Don't Settle for a Life That is Less than What You Are Capable of Living

As I prepare to go to medical school in less than 2 weeks, I am reflecting on the reasons why I have chosen this long, at times arduous, at times beautiful, path towards a life destination that will always be worth the climb. 

I don't want to just pass through medical school, get an MD, and be an okay doctor. 

I want to revolutionize the field of psychiatry. 

God knows we need a revolution. During my time at the care center, I saw so many clients stuck in the same cycle of repeated hospital admissions, step down care with us, getting released back into the community only to end up acutely ill and back in the hospital weeks or months later. I know of many more people (including myself for a long stretch of time) who may avoid the hospital, may even avoid serious symptoms most of the time, but don't really ever reach their premorbid level of functioning again, let alone become the best possible versions of themselves that they could be. 

Neurodivergents everywhere are settling for lives that are less than what they are capable of living, and-quite sadly, quite wrongly-mental health professionals are encouraging this. 

Patients with severe mental illness are often encouraged to apply for disability benefits because they are too sick to work. Rather than being a temporary measure to keep them afloat until a way is found to get past the period of decreased functioning, many of these patients are on disability permanently. I don't mean to downplay the severity of serious mental illness, and I know that there are many, many people who cannot work because of how sick they are. The problem with people going on permanent disability is not that they don't need it, but that they are assumed to always need it. It is like their doctors and loved ones are giving up on them-"you're too ill to work, to have a normal life, and you always will be". How could anyone not have their sense of self-efficacy decreased (if not altogether abolished) when that is their care providers' attitude?  Believe me, an episode of mental illness already takes away all sense of self-efficacy. The last thing that patients need is to be told that they cannot. 

Not being able to pursue your career goals is not living!

And then there are the neurodivergents like me who are "high functioning". Let me tell you what "high functioning" means to mental health providers: it is a term used to describe patients who are "getting by". They probably can work or go to school, they get out of bed in the morning, they shower and are able to take care of their nutritional needs. They get by. Most of them are not thriving, or even living. They are surviving, doing the bare minimum to function in society. 

High functioning bipolar for me meant eating almost all my meals alone my first two years of college because I was too anxious/depressed to form meaningful friendships. It meant that throughout college I could not study for longer than 40 minutes at a time without losing all focus and motivation, and that as soon as I absorbed some knowledge I forgot it three seconds later because my shriveled hippocampus (hippocampal size decreases during depression) could not hold on to the information. As a result, I got 4 "Cs" in college, killing my chances of going to a US medical school and what was left of my self-esteem along with it. High functioning bipolar meant for me that when I was in my masters program last year I was so flooded with anxiety that driving to class and sitting through lecture like a vegetable was all that I could do. My scores on exams in grad school were often more than a standard deviation below the class average, despite that my MCAT score was above the class average. 

That is not living!

This is what it means to live: to get out of bed every morning exciting to greet the sun. To eat a delicious and nutritious breakfast while engaging in some mindful practice before heading off to your challenging, meaningful, job that both sets your heart on fire and is well compensated. To be able to work without staring at the clock every 30 seconds to see how much closer you are to going home. To walk or drive home from work without fear that something terrible will happen to you. To go home and have a spouse to kiss if you want one. To fall asleep in your loving spouse's arms, basking in the warmth of peace and gratitude. And more than anything, to live means to know that you have control, that you can keep improving your life, that you are special and important (and everyone is special and important) and that you have a life's mission to carry out. 

I will not be satisfied with my life until I get there, but I will keep striving, keep trying, keep improving myself intellectually, physically, and emotionally. 

And I will help my future patients get there too. Depression, anxiety, psychosis, and even the general trials of life can be overcome. True living is possible. I've experienced being fully alive before, during periods of hypomania. It is possible and obtainable. 

I will help people reach their potential and live meaningful lives during their recovery from mental illness. I can't wait to be that kind of psychiatrist!