A few weeks ago, I wrote about how great my new life in Madison,
including my awesome job, was for my mental health. I wrote about how
most of my symptoms had all but disappeared.
Well...I
may have lost my job. My boss told me that if I didn't learn how to have
confidence in my interactions with clients in two weeks, I would be out
the door. And the thing is that confidence is not something that can be
learned in two years, let alone two weeks. Can I just forget how all my
friends abandoned me when I was a scared twelve year old girl
experiencing her first bipolar episode? Can I just erase the
consequences of years of feeling worthless due to repeated depressions?
In two weeks?!
So, I've pretty much lost my job. And
I've really been struggling with it. I feel worthless, incompetent,
hopeless, cursed. I feel depressed, but it is not depression because it
is situational. It is grief.
And it got me to
thinking...it is great that when our lives are going well, we feel
happy. That is an awesome thing. But fortune is fickle, and inevitably,
probably sooner rather than later, everything will come crashing down.
C'est la vie.
So, we need to somehow build an internally driven happiness. How in the name of Freud, Schneider, and Kraeplin do we do that?!
I
think the trite answers of "take your meds and go to therapy!" are
definitely a good starting place, but what else can be done?
We
can take care of our physical bodies-eat well, exercise, go to the
doctor when we are sick, get enough sleep...it is hard, but I have heard
that it is worth it. (Though I have a confession: as I pen these words,
I am sipping a black forest mocha and eating a slice of lemon cake.
Oops! Haha.)
We can learn a ton of healthy coping
skills that we can draw on when things get hard. I've been working on
this for about the past year. Deep breathing, progressive relaxation,
and herbal tea for anxiety. Brisk walks, sleep restriction, and
distraction to deal with low mood and depression. I've got a treasure
chest of coping skills, and I am committed to learning more.
We
can reach out to others. This is something that I am admittedly
terrible at, but with this recent setback I have actually been doing
really well at finding people to listen to me as I vent my pain and
disappointment. I've reached out to my parents, my friend Mark, and my
friend Kim. It makes me feel a little better. By building a good support
network when we are not in the midst of some crisis, we also give
ourselves a little protection against the hard times. Depression has a
harder time getting at someone who is socially protected!
I'm
sure that there are other ways to build a happiness that can shine like
a bright lamp when the night comes. Can you think of any? Comment
below.
Hey Sara, just happened to read your latest post. Admittedly, I have not read all of your posts, but I have read a few a handful of times. To be honest, it comes across that you are *accepting* that you are losing your job, when you should be fighting for it! I know, I know, easier said than done when you have a lot of things weighing you down, particularly mental health concerns. Did you ask your boss how you could improve in your communication skills? Are they a person you can talk to honestly about these sorts of things?
ReplyDeleteIt can be really tough doing the "impossible." The field I'm in currently, every day I'm forced to do things that scare me just a little, and sometimes it seems unfair. It's unfair because they are things that come naturally to a lot of people, and not to me. I take medication to calm me down physiologically (literally, for my heart), but I get frustrated when I still have immense anxiety--anxiety that often feels paralyzing.
I know what it's like to feel like communicatively, you struggle. And no, it is not something that can be "fixed" in 2 weeks. But that doesn't mean you should lay down and fall on your sword. I urge you to talk to your boss about pointers. It is humbling to ask for help, but in the end it will empower you! Also, something that I've realized helps me put my own personal issues in perspective is reading about the people that you are trying to help. What I mean by this is, right now, in one my masters classes, we're discussing the pathologies of speech and language disorders. As part of our education, we've been watching videos of SLPs working with patients and not only observing patient deficits, but hearing about the effects of their disorders on both their lives and the lives of their friends and family who are trying to help them cope. So what I mean is, search examples of the people who are struggling and less fortunate than us, and hear *their* stories. It makes all the difference. Sometimes getting outside of our own heads is the most refreshing thing! I'm not sure what your specific line of work is, but I'm sure there are people you could hear from/observe/etc. I hope things get better, and just remember that you are beautiful, smart, and talented. And if it doesn't work out with your job, there is another opportunity you are being prepared for. Keep coping, I'll be praying for you and thinking about you!
Wow, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging comment. People have been encouraging me to talk with my boss, and I think that I will. I think that I will ask him for more time to get this sorted out...
DeleteIt really means a lot to me that you read my post and took the time to comment. I will take your advice! :)