Self-Discovery Challenge: Summary of Day 1

I just completed the first day of my thirty day commitment to exploring my identity and growing my self-confidence.

It was a great day. I got coffee with a friend whom I haven't seen in over a year. She is transforming her life, starting a new job in Washington DC. I am proud of her, and so incredibly inspired. After talking with her, I felt like I could create a better life for myself. I felt like I too could bring exciting changes into my existence, and have new things to look forward to.

My positive affirmation for the day was "I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions".  I repeated it to myself throughout the day, including several times in front of a mirror (which just seems like the thing to do, you know? But I felt incredibly silly doing it, nonetheless. Never mind the fact that I talk to myself all the time already anyway). I did have a few pessimistic thoughts today, and when they jumped into my head, I pushed them out with that mantra.

I also journaled on the following question:

Are you a better person today than you were last year at this same time? Or 10 years ago?

Excerpts from my journaling? 

"In a moral sense, I am a better person than I was a year ago. I am less deceptive, less jealous of others...."

"I am emotionally healthier than I was a year ago in that I am less anxious, overall less depressed..."

"I about as insecure and indecisive as I was a year ago, but I am now aware of it!"

"I am more of an adult now than I was a year ago. I make my own money, and I have genuine expenses now,  like high rent, student loans, and a health insurance premium." 

"I prayed in September of 2014 for God to draw me out of this desert of distraction and indecision. I expected it to be an instant transformation, and it wasn't. But I am making progress, and though the road before me is long, I can look back and appreciate how far I've come." 

I actually had no idea how much I better I am doing now then I was a year ago until I answered that question. 

I am so happy and grateful. 

A Journey of Self-Discovery

I'm starting to realize why I am not anywhere near where I want to be in my life. Why I am dissatisfied, unhappy, failing in many areas...it's not because I am simply a worthless person. It is because I believe, on a very deep level, that I am a worthless person.

My boss has told me that I am not confident enough. He told me that that is the reason why he is thinking of letting me go (by the way, I still am employed as of today :-) )

I have a crush on someone amazing, and it feels incredible because I haven't really developed strong feelings for anyone in years. But I mean nothing to them, and for a month, I've been trying to understand why. I think I've figured it out. It's my lack of confidence. They don't want to be with someone they have to take care of and constantly reassure. They want what everyone wants-to be with someone who is strong, capable, and independent.

Well, it turns out that I am strong and capable. I just don't know it. But I have to have been strong to have gotten through everything that I've been through with my illness and persevered.

An issue related to my insecurity is my indecision. I am constantly changing my mind about my career path. Granted, it is almost always between the same three options (psychiatry, psychology, and writing). But still, I have been paralyzed since I left college by this indecision. I have spent an awful lot of money pursuing paths that I later decided were not for me, including $55,000.00 on a masters degree that was supposed to prepare me for med school.

I think that if I figured out who I am and grew to like that person, I would be able to choose a career path once and for all. I might even get to a point where I am satisfied with literally any career path.

So, here is my plan. For one month, from today, Dec. 17th, 2015, until January 17th, 2016, I am going to suspend my constant attempts to discover what I want to do with my life long term. Instead, I am going to spend a month discovering myself and growing my self-esteem.

Here is the plan I wrote for myself:

-figure out who I am. 

   >journal about questions of identity

   >exercise and meditate upon my identity

   

-grow more confident

 > one positive affirmation/day

>list three things I like about myself/day

-Spiritual growth:

   >pray when I wake up, when I go to bed, and when I arrive at work, as well as on a PRN basis

   >meditate

I will update the blog everyday with updates on my journey and the things I've discovered/learned. 

Thanks for listening, dear phoenixes. Thanks for being on my side.

<3 Minerva

Who can save us?

I've been really overwhelmed and depressed lately over some stuff that's been going on in my life, and it has got me focused on all the evil in the world.

Mass shootings. People who abuse their loved ones. People being fired and laid off, and unable to afford their bills. Cancer. Mood disorders.

There is so much wrong with the world, that it is sometimes hard to see any good in it at all.

Chances are, you are going through something in your life right now. You may feel as discouraged and downtrodden as I do. So I'll share my thoughts on how I am getting through it.

God is really helping me. I don't want to offend anyone or push my religion on anyone, but this is my truth. I know that God is real, because I have observed Him. He comforts me, sustains me, supports me. And in this time of uncertainty, the only thing that is getting me through is the knowledge that He will continue to take care of me.

I can't pretend to know who exactly God is. I believe that He is beyond human comprehension. I do believe that He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and most importantly, all-loving. Some people have a conception of a really judgmental, angry God. That is not how I see Him.

I know that some of you have been told that God hates you-because you are LGBT, or have had premarital sex, or have a different religion than the person judging you, or what-have-you-and this breaks my heart. I believe that it also breaks God's heart. He loves you, no matter who you are or what you have done. He knew you millennia before you were born, what life issues you would struggle with, what interests and preferences you would have, what good and wonderful things you would do, in addition to how you would unfortunately contribute to the evil in the world, as all humans sadly do.

You matter to Him. You may feel insignificant and abandoned by everyone in your life, but you-yes, you!-matter to the King of the universe.

Again, I don't want to push my beliefs on anyone, and you can take or leave as much from this as you'd like. But I just want you to know that there is a reason for every hurt you are going through, and that one day, there will be no more tears.

Dear God, I pray for all the people who are in pain (which is to say, the entire world). I pray that You would gather them in your arms and let them know Your comfort. I pray especially for those who have been told that they are not fit for a relationship with You, that You would prove to them, in Your infinite love, how very wrong that is! Finally, I pray that you would help us to keep up hope. Keep us going. And protect us until that day when everything will be alright. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Why do you do that??

Act your age. Don't be so serious. Work harder. Why don't you ever take time for yourself? Lose weight. Learn to love your body. Be nicer. Stop being such a pushover.

Be yourself, but do it only with our approval.


No matter what you do or how you present yourself, you are going to have more critics than admirers.

And if you are like me, you are your "own worst critic" (and now I'm judging myself for using such a glaring cliché, ugghhh).

The truth is that no one is perfect (another cliché-why, Sara, why?!), including you. Finding balance between maturity and humor,  work and play, conformity and open-mindedness, self-sacrifice and healthy narcissism, is impossible.

We all know that we should stop judging ourselves and others, but this knowledge doesn't dwindle our judgment. It just makes us judge ourselves and others for being judgmental. 


One thing that might help you learn to be more accepting of people's faults (including your own) is to realize that there are always reasons for behaviors, habits, and thought patterns.

An intriguing thing that I realized today is that the reason for both our sins and our good deeds is the same: with both vice and virtue, we are seeking positive emotion and fleeing negative emotion. I overeat for the same reason why I write novels-because it feels good. And I avoid pushing myself into new situations (where I might, heaven forbid!, learn something) for the same reason why I avoid keeping a hungry lion for a pet-because it's scary.

We cannot help it; it is natural to chase after pleasure and run away from pain. We can, however, learn discipline, the art of paying for later pleasure with current pain. But it must be acknowledged that discipline is easier for some people to master than others (because the act of exercising discipline is inherently pleasurable for some people, but not for others!).

If you are trying to learn self-acceptance like me, perhaps this is something to remember. Rather than judging ourselves for our shortcomings, we should acknowledge where they came from and gently work towards remedying them. 

Creating Your Own Internal Happiness

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how great my new life in Madison, including my awesome job, was for my mental health. I wrote about how most of my symptoms had all but disappeared.

Well...I may have lost my job. My boss told me that if I didn't learn how to have confidence in my interactions with clients in two weeks, I would be out the door. And the thing is that confidence is not something that can be learned in two years, let alone two weeks. Can I just forget how all my friends abandoned me when I was a scared twelve year old girl experiencing her first bipolar episode? Can I just erase the consequences of years of feeling worthless due to repeated depressions? In two weeks?!

So, I've pretty much lost my job. And I've really been struggling with it. I feel worthless, incompetent, hopeless, cursed. I feel depressed, but it is not depression because it is situational. It is grief.

And it got me to thinking...it is great that when our lives are going well, we feel happy. That is an awesome thing. But fortune is fickle, and inevitably, probably sooner rather than later, everything will come crashing down. C'est la vie.

So, we need to somehow build an internally driven happiness. How in the name of Freud, Schneider, and Kraeplin do we do that?!

I think the trite answers of "take your meds and go to therapy!" are definitely a good starting place, but what else can be done?

We can take care of our physical bodies-eat well, exercise, go to the doctor when we are sick, get enough sleep...it is hard, but I have heard that it is worth it. (Though I have a confession: as I pen these words, I am sipping a black forest mocha and eating a slice of lemon cake. Oops! Haha.)

We can learn a ton of healthy coping skills that we can draw on when things get hard. I've been working on this for about the past year. Deep breathing, progressive relaxation, and herbal tea for anxiety. Brisk walks, sleep restriction, and distraction to deal with low mood and depression. I've got a treasure chest of coping skills, and I am committed to learning more.

We can reach out to others. This is something that I am admittedly terrible at, but with this recent setback I have actually been doing really well at finding people to listen to me as I vent my pain and disappointment. I've reached out to my parents, my friend Mark, and my friend Kim. It makes me feel a little better. By building a good support network when we are not in the midst of some crisis, we also give ourselves a little protection against the hard times. Depression has a harder time getting at someone who is socially protected!

I'm sure that there are other ways to build a happiness that can shine like a bright lamp when the night comes. Can you think of any? Comment below.

There is Not Much of A Difference Between You and I (and sometimes, we are the same)

I have a confession. I have worked at the care center for nearly three months now, and I have noticed that I am developing a new attitude. A disturbing new attitude. 

I am starting to see our clients as being different than me, somehow below me. We discuss their problems in shift report, and I look at these struggling people and I confuse them with their struggle. It is getting to the point where, when I look at a client, I see an illness, a crisis, more than a person. As my mental health is currently awesome, I am slowly forgetting (thank God) what it is like to be hopeless. What it is like to be needy. What it is like to be in crisis. 

Sometimes, I even view a client's behavior as being manipulative, and I get mad at them! I used to hate it when I heard about mental health professionals labeling hurting patients as manipulative and then giving them subpar care...and now, I am becoming one of those professionals myself.

I need to stop this, clearly. And I will. I am aware that my current attitude towards our clients goes against my values, and I am committed to viewing every single person I care for as a beloved child of God, rather than a diagnosis.

Unfortunately, the attitude I am developing runs rampant in mental health care. I have run across many, many professionals like this. Many of my past therapists (along with every psychiatrist I have ever had) insist that I call them Dr. So and So. They refuse to be on a first-name basis with their patients, to be human with them. 

I've had therapists ignore my symptoms. I've had professionals tell me that I was not experiencing the emotions that I was, or that I was experiencing emotions that I was not; they were so confident in their judgment that my subjective insight into my psyche meant nothing. I had one therapist who tried to send me to the hospital when all I needed was someone to talk with me, to comfort me, to be human with me. 

Because the truth is that we all, patients and professionals alike, are only human. I have a coworker who told me that they view humanity as being made up of "frightened children". I like that. We are all just frightened children.

Insist that your providers treat you as an equal, because you are their equal and you deserve it.

Update-The Effects Of Life Satisfaction on Recovery

Well...it has been awhile since I posted anything. *blushes with shame and embarrassment*

I thought that I would give all of you lovely phoenixes an update. Last time I posted was in July. I remember writing the last post; I wrote it in Madison, WI, in a cute little coffee shop called Steep and Brew, the day after I had a job interview.

Since then, I got the job, moved to Madison for work, obtained a lovely 11th floor apartment with a view of the lake, dated someone, broke up with someone, and had countless ideas for things I could do with Phoenix (that promptly leapt out of my mind and into the abyss seconds after they were conceived). Steep and Brew sadly closed. RIP.  I still want to cry every time I think about it.

Two and a half months into my new life, I can say that I am very, very satisfied with how things are going for me. I actually haven't been this happy with my life, and this stable psychiatrically, in over ten years (!). The cynical part of me is waiting for this fairytale to end, but I have committed myself to enjoying it for now.

Before accepting this job, things had been difficult. I felt like a loser, my life wasn't going anywhere, and I had zero confidence (which was actually better than most of my adult life; I've gone through periods where I had negative confidence, haha). Mood swings, hopelessness, transient suicidal thoughts, anxiety...all gone ever since I started my new life on August 10th, 2015.

This got me to thinking about the connection between life satisfaction and mental health. It seems obvious that if you are mentally healthy, you are satisfied with your life. It is assumed, however, that the arrow of causation points from mental health to life satisfaction; get more mentally healthy (through meds, therapy, exercise, nutrition, what have you) and you will develop more life satisfaction. I think I discovered, however, that for me, the arrow points both ways. I improved my mental health by improving my life circumstances. I did not change meds, I actually had to stop therapy when I moved to Madison as I my health insurance does not extend up here to Wisconsin...

What I did was make an assertive choice, against the advice of nearly everyone I knew, to take a risk, accept the job, and start a new life over 100 miles away. I accepted a job in a field I love (I work in a mental health crisis care center; it's awesome), I learned to trust myself, I serendipitously met my social needs (it turns out that when you work a job where you are constantly interacting with people, you need much less outside-of-work social interaction to feel satisfied). Beginning and (slowly, incompletely, but progressively) mastering a new job made me feel like an almost competent human being.

I think that now that I am in a good position in life, with a fun job in a wonderful city, my meds are more effective and I am better able to apply the coping skills I learned in therapy. I know that all it would take for me to lose everything is a manic or depressive episode, and I live in fear of that. At the same time, I am using my (non-manic, I swear!) increased drive and energy to strengthen my defenses against my illness. I've started exercising and I am trying to eat better. I've started taking fish oil, and I'm thinking about adding vitamin D. I also am considering taking up meditation again. And yes, once I get my health insurance figured out (which will be soon) I will get a new therapist.

So, do something that will make your life more worthwhile. This can be something subtle-take up a new hobby, meet more often with an old friend, end a toxic relationship-or it can be a total life makeover with a new job in a new city.

Do it today. You'll be glad you did.

Don't Treat Us Like We're Fragile

If you deal with a psychological disorder that has "gotten you in trouble", chances are that your loved ones have reacted with concern. This is a natural response. The severity of your illness scared them, and they just want you to be safe and happy.

They want you to avoid another hospitalization, another suicide attempt, another psychotic break, so they treat you differently. They are gentler towards you. They remind you to take your meds.  Most relevant to this post, they encourage you to limit yourself, to pursue a low-stress, low-risk lifestyle to avoid a relapse. 

There is nothing wrong with the motivation behind these acts of concern. Your family and friends love you. They are trying to protect you. But this attempt to shield you from further suffering just isn't effective, and may even be counterproductive.

For one thing, it doesn't always work. Even if you don't get a high stress job and live in your parents' house and don't date and don't stay out late and don't drive fast and don't drink alcohol and don't skip a single dose of your meds and basically don't do anything strenuous or stressful ever, you may still relapse. Most psychiatric illnesses follow a relapse-remitting course-you will have periods of increased symptoms and periods of relative health. That is just what happens. Yes, environmental factors can precipitate a relapse, but biology is just as likely of a culprit. 

Secondly, not everyone who takes risks is guaranteed to relapse. There are successful people with psychiatric disorders in every field. Doctors, lawyers, professors...they may have to be careful to take their meds and regulate their sleep schedule, but they can still live symptom-free for long periods of time.

Furthermore, the world suffers when neurodivergents (people who deal with mental illness) limit themselves to low-skilled, low-stress jobs. Many of us are intensely intelligent and creative. We do excellent work, and we have the ability to go out and do a lot of good. 

Ironically, in their attempt to limit you for your own protection, your loved ones may make you more vulnerable to relapse. Let's face it: a stress-free, safe life is boring. Not being allowed to pursue your dreams is depressing. Never leaving your hometown for fear that the world will not be kind to you is discouraging. If you don't take risks, then you have nothing to live for. 

Even Good Therapists Are Guilty-The Evil "S"-word

Something really disturbed me yesterday. Those of us dealing with mental health issues face a lot of discrimination. Some of us have lost friends when we decided to be brave enough to disclose our diagnoses. Some of us have been fired from work for taking time off for a hospitalization, or have had professors knock down our grades. Almost all of us deal with internalized stigma, feelings of being not strong enough, sane enough, worthy enough…and it is no wonder that we feel this way about ourselves, given how prevalent stereotypes of the mentally ill are. Every time there is a shooting, people jump to the conclusion that the shooter is “mentally ill”; horror films have been made around the theme of the spirit of an unstable suicide victim who haunts a “normal” family’s home…

The truth is, of course, that we are not any less intelligent, strong, or non-threatening than our neurotypical counterparts. This is the message that we have to spread.

It is expected that we will encounter examples of the ugly stigma from our family and friends, but it is disturbing when professionals hold prejudiced ideas concerning those of us who struggle. 

Yesterday, my therapist and I were talking about various mental health conditions, and what they look like in actual patients. We do this often, as I am interested in psychology, and she is happy to share her wisdom. I will preface this by saying that I really like my therapist. She is a caring individual who is good at what she does, and she and I have a good relationship. 

During my session, we began talking about personality disorders. Personality disorders are mental health conditions that cause chronic, low-grade distress, and usually stem from how the patient sees himself and the world. Examples include narcissistic personality disorder, in which the patient is exceptionally self-absorbed, avoidant personality disorder, which is like an extreme version of social anxiety, and schizotypal personality disorder, which includes psychotic-like symptoms such as illusions (misperceiving sensory information) and ideas of reference (thinking that something has a special meaning to the patient). 

One personality disorder that gets a lot of attention is borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is complicated, and has symptoms like fast mood swings, abandonment fear, suicidal tendencies, and paranoia. Some people think that it is on the bipolar spectrum, some people think that it is an atypical form of PTSD, and some people are certain that it belongs right where it is, classified as a personality disorder. 

Because I sometimes have extremely fast mood cycling as part of my bipolar disorder, I have sometimes wondered if I might have some BPD symptoms. I asked my therapist about this.

She said, and I kid you not, “You definitely don’t have BPD. I’d want to kill you if you did.”

Unacceptable. I love my therapist, but it is unacceptable for her to have that kind of attitude towards a group of patients.

BPD sufferers are known to be difficult, occasionally even abusive people. Their suffering and unstable moods sometimes combine to create volatile, unpredictable individuals. However, all their symptoms stem from an illness. An illness that is just as real as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. An illness that none of the patients chose to have. 

They deserve our compassion, not our contempt. 

I don’t want to bash my therapist; again, she is very good at what she does. But it will take me some time to get over the prejudice she holds towards my BPD friends. 

Have you ever encountered prejudice against people with mental illness? How about from a professional? How did it make you feel? What do you think could be done to decrease the stigma towards certain diagnoses among mental health clinicians?

Music to Get You Through

Life can be really hard sometimes, especially if you deal with a mental health issue. Unfortunately, it is not always possible to have someone to talk to-your therapist is seeing other patients, your friend has her own issues, you don't feel comfortable reaching out to your parents...

There are things you can do on your own to feel better. You can discharge your feelings in a journal. You can meditate or do grounding exercises. You can take it "minute by minute", telling yourself you will be okay with every second that passes.

Music is probably my favorite way to cope. A good comfort song will wrap you in the artist's embrace as s/he empathizes with and encourages you. Music has gotten me through many difficult nights.

I've decided to compile an organized list of ten songs that have helped me. Here it is:

For when you need comfort:

-Iridescent-Linkin Park

-Illusion-VNV Nation

-This is to Mother You-Sinead O'Connor

-You Can't Always Get What You Want-Rolling Stones

-After the World-Disciple

-The Last Night-Skillet

For when you need hope:

-Here Comes the Sun-Beatles

-Stronger-Kelly Clarkson

For when you need to be told to hold on:

-Lullaby-Nickleback 

-Beauty Through Pain- Superchick

I hope that this lists helps someone. Life sometimes feels like one crisis after another, and we need as many coping resources as we can get.

What are your favorite songs to listen to when you're hurting? Comment below.

On Doing the Impossible

I thought that today we would reflect on some ancient inspirational advice.

"Start by doing what is necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible"-St Francis of Assisi

St. Francis lived in the 13th century, and he believed he had an impossible mission. When he was a young man, he went off to battle against the Perugians, who were major rivals of his people, the Assisians. He was captured by the Perugians and became their prisoner for a year; during this time, he fell ill. While sick, he encountered God in a dream. From that time forth, he embarked on a journey to do something amazing and difficult-God's will. He became an evangelist and an advocate for the poor.

I believe that we all have been given special missions to complete-a purpose for our lives. I have spent time curiously wondering what my purpose might be, and while I can't be certain yet what exactly I'm supposed to be doing, I think it involves communicating the inherent infinite worth and equality of all people to all people.

What is your mission in life? Maybe it is something similar, to show people how valuable they are in the eyes of God. Maybe it is to give your kids a decent start in life, or to leave your mark on the world through a high-powered career.

Life missions are difficult tasks for anyone, but for someone with a mental illness they can seem impossible. Someone suffering from depression may barely be able to feed himself, let alone solve the problem of world hunger!

As someone who deals with avolition (lack of motivation), it can be difficult for me to accomplish what I set out to do. I have thought a lot about how I can engineer my life to work around my motivation deficit, and I have found some strategies that help-making lists, developing good habits, making chores as enjoyable as possible. These strategies only work on good days, however.

How can we be effective individuals in our occupational, social, and spiritual lives while dealing with symptoms? Perhaps we should start by doing what is necessary. If you have terrible social anxiety, force yourself to interact with your classmates on the group project you were assigned. Then do what is possible; see if you can attend that party for just one hour. Finally, branch into the impossible. Transcend your fears and become part of a social world that is infinitely larger than yourself. Connect and interact with friends and strangers alike to cooperatively create a more welcoming, accepting world that is less anxiety-provoking.

"Nothing is impossible; the word itself says I'm possible'!"-Audrey Hepburn

We're back...with a plan

Hello my brave, dedicated Phoenixes,

Phoenix Rising has risen from the ashes of its stagnation (now that I have finished with school and can dedicate more of my time) and we are ready to change the world once again.

I started this organization almost exactly a year ago with the following goal:

Our mission: to start a dialog on social challenges (homelessness, loneliness, mental illness, and addiction) and to spread hope. 

This lofty goal is still the ultimate aim for Phoenix Rising, though we have decided to attack it a little more gently. Rather than trying to spark conversation on all social challenges all at once, we have decided to begin with just mental health. This is just for now; as we grow, we will immerse ourselves in a larger dialog on marginalization and privilege.

Here are some of our upcoming plans:

1). Update this blog more frequently-we are aiming for about one post per week that will hopefully inspire and intrigue you. You should also expect updates on what the organization is doing. You may be wondering what happened to our old blog; unfortunately, it was deleted. You can find the archives here: http://phoenixdialog.blogspot.com/2014_10_01_archive.html

If you are interested in contributing to the blog, either regularly or just to write one post, you may contact me at: bipolarconversations@gmail.com

2). Make more videos-mental health topics planned include information on anxiety, depression, and psychosis, techniques on how to cope with symptoms, ideas of how to deal with stigma, and ways to help a loved one with mental health issues. Our YouTube channel can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSbFmLYoAL60iA6juLXXa2Q

3). Create a cultural newsletter, to be published once a month (initially), for people who deal with mental health issues. The newsletter will include info on recent developments in mental health research, book reviews, creative fiction, and poetry. We are currently looking for people coping with mental illness to contribute to this effort through writing and/or art.

4). Publish an e-book series which I am writing. The first book will be entitled Diagnosis, and features a young woman who has recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The story follows her as she makes friends with other patients, learns about the imperfections in the mental healthcare system, discovers that she has superpowers (yes, superpowers! She can travel through mirrors and directly observe other people's mental activity), and ultimately decides to change the way people with mental illness are perceived and treated herself, with the help of her new-found friends. Updates on the book, along with excerpts, will be made available in future posts.

Thank you very much for continuing to follow us. If you are new, welcome!

Also, check out our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/affjerf?ref=aymt_homepage_panel.

<3 Minerva