I just completed the first day of my thirty day commitment to exploring my identity and growing my self-confidence.
It was a great day. I got coffee with a friend whom I haven't seen in over a year. She is transforming her life, starting a new job in Washington DC. I am proud of her, and so incredibly inspired. After talking with her, I felt like I could create a better life for myself. I felt like I too could bring exciting changes into my existence, and have new things to look forward to.
My positive affirmation for the day was "I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions". I repeated it to myself throughout the day, including several times in front of a mirror (which just seems like the thing to do, you know? But I felt incredibly silly doing it, nonetheless. Never mind the fact that I talk to myself all the time already anyway). I did have a few pessimistic thoughts today, and when they jumped into my head, I pushed them out with that mantra.
I also journaled on the following question:
Are you a better person today than you were last year at this same time? Or 10 years ago?
Excerpts from my journaling?
"In a moral sense, I am a better person than I was a year ago. I am less deceptive, less jealous of others...."
"I am emotionally healthier than I was a year ago in that I am less anxious, overall less depressed..."
"I about as insecure and indecisive as I was a year ago, but I am now aware of it!"
"I am more of an adult now than I was a year ago. I make my own money, and I have genuine expenses now, like high rent, student loans, and a health insurance premium."
"I prayed in September of 2014 for God to draw me out of this desert of distraction and indecision. I expected it to be an instant transformation, and it wasn't. But I am making progress, and though the road before me is long, I can look back and appreciate how far I've come."
I actually had no idea how much I better I am doing now then I was a year ago until I answered that question.
I am so happy and grateful.
Friday, December 18, 2015
Thursday, December 17, 2015
A Journey of Self-Discovery
I'm starting to realize why I am not anywhere near where I want to be in my life. Why I am dissatisfied, unhappy, failing in many areas...it's not because I am simply a worthless person. It is because I believe, on a very deep level, that I am a worthless person.
My boss has told me that I am not confident enough. He told me that that is the reason why he is thinking of letting me go (by the way, I still am employed as of today :-) )
I have a crush on someone amazing, and it feels incredible because I haven't really developed strong feelings for anyone in years. But I mean nothing to them, and for a month, I've been trying to understand why. I think I've figured it out. It's my lack of confidence. They don't want to be with someone they have to take care of and constantly reassure. They want what everyone wants-to be with someone who is strong, capable, and independent.
Well, it turns out that I am strong and capable. I just don't know it. But I have to have been strong to have gotten through everything that I've been through with my illness and persevered.
An issue related to my insecurity is my indecision. I am constantly changing my mind about my career path. Granted, it is almost always between the same three options (psychiatry, psychology, and writing). But still, I have been paralyzed since I left college by this indecision. I have spent an awful lot of money pursuing paths that I later decided were not for me, including $55,000.00 on a masters degree that was supposed to prepare me for med school.
I think that if I figured out who I am and grew to like that person, I would be able to choose a career path once and for all. I might even get to a point where I am satisfied with literally any career path.
So, here is my plan. For one month, from today, Dec. 17th, 2015, until January 17th, 2016, I am going to suspend my constant attempts to discover what I want to do with my life long term. Instead, I am going to spend a month discovering myself and growing my self-esteem.
Here is the plan I wrote for myself:
I will update the blog everyday with updates on my journey and the things I've discovered/learned.
Thanks for listening, dear phoenixes. Thanks for being on my side.
<3 Minerva
My boss has told me that I am not confident enough. He told me that that is the reason why he is thinking of letting me go (by the way, I still am employed as of today :-) )
I have a crush on someone amazing, and it feels incredible because I haven't really developed strong feelings for anyone in years. But I mean nothing to them, and for a month, I've been trying to understand why. I think I've figured it out. It's my lack of confidence. They don't want to be with someone they have to take care of and constantly reassure. They want what everyone wants-to be with someone who is strong, capable, and independent.
Well, it turns out that I am strong and capable. I just don't know it. But I have to have been strong to have gotten through everything that I've been through with my illness and persevered.
An issue related to my insecurity is my indecision. I am constantly changing my mind about my career path. Granted, it is almost always between the same three options (psychiatry, psychology, and writing). But still, I have been paralyzed since I left college by this indecision. I have spent an awful lot of money pursuing paths that I later decided were not for me, including $55,000.00 on a masters degree that was supposed to prepare me for med school.
I think that if I figured out who I am and grew to like that person, I would be able to choose a career path once and for all. I might even get to a point where I am satisfied with literally any career path.
So, here is my plan. For one month, from today, Dec. 17th, 2015, until January 17th, 2016, I am going to suspend my constant attempts to discover what I want to do with my life long term. Instead, I am going to spend a month discovering myself and growing my self-esteem.
Here is the plan I wrote for myself:
-figure out who I am.
>journal about questions of identity
>exercise and meditate upon my identity
-grow more confident
> one positive affirmation/day
>list three things I like about myself/day
-Spiritual growth:
>pray when I wake up, when I go to bed, and when I arrive at work, as well as on a PRN basis
>meditate
Thanks for listening, dear phoenixes. Thanks for being on my side.
<3 Minerva
Friday, December 4, 2015
Who can save us?
I've been really overwhelmed and depressed lately over some stuff that's been going on in my life, and it has got me focused on all the evil in the world.
Mass shootings. People who abuse their loved ones. People being fired and laid off, and unable to afford their bills. Cancer. Mood disorders.
There is so much wrong with the world, that it is sometimes hard to see any good in it at all.
Chances are, you are going through something in your life right now. You may feel as discouraged and downtrodden as I do. So I'll share my thoughts on how I am getting through it.
God is really helping me. I don't want to offend anyone or push my religion on anyone, but this is my truth. I know that God is real, because I have observed Him. He comforts me, sustains me, supports me. And in this time of uncertainty, the only thing that is getting me through is the knowledge that He will continue to take care of me.
I can't pretend to know who exactly God is. I believe that He is beyond human comprehension. I do believe that He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and most importantly, all-loving. Some people have a conception of a really judgmental, angry God. That is not how I see Him.
I know that some of you have been told that God hates you-because you are LGBT, or have had premarital sex, or have a different religion than the person judging you, or what-have-you-and this breaks my heart. I believe that it also breaks God's heart. He loves you, no matter who you are or what you have done. He knew you millennia before you were born, what life issues you would struggle with, what interests and preferences you would have, what good and wonderful things you would do, in addition to how you would unfortunately contribute to the evil in the world, as all humans sadly do.
You matter to Him. You may feel insignificant and abandoned by everyone in your life, but you-yes, you!-matter to the King of the universe.
Again, I don't want to push my beliefs on anyone, and you can take or leave as much from this as you'd like. But I just want you to know that there is a reason for every hurt you are going through, and that one day, there will be no more tears.
Dear God, I pray for all the people who are in pain (which is to say, the entire world). I pray that You would gather them in your arms and let them know Your comfort. I pray especially for those who have been told that they are not fit for a relationship with You, that You would prove to them, in Your infinite love, how very wrong that is! Finally, I pray that you would help us to keep up hope. Keep us going. And protect us until that day when everything will be alright. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Mass shootings. People who abuse their loved ones. People being fired and laid off, and unable to afford their bills. Cancer. Mood disorders.
There is so much wrong with the world, that it is sometimes hard to see any good in it at all.
Chances are, you are going through something in your life right now. You may feel as discouraged and downtrodden as I do. So I'll share my thoughts on how I am getting through it.
God is really helping me. I don't want to offend anyone or push my religion on anyone, but this is my truth. I know that God is real, because I have observed Him. He comforts me, sustains me, supports me. And in this time of uncertainty, the only thing that is getting me through is the knowledge that He will continue to take care of me.
I can't pretend to know who exactly God is. I believe that He is beyond human comprehension. I do believe that He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and most importantly, all-loving. Some people have a conception of a really judgmental, angry God. That is not how I see Him.
I know that some of you have been told that God hates you-because you are LGBT, or have had premarital sex, or have a different religion than the person judging you, or what-have-you-and this breaks my heart. I believe that it also breaks God's heart. He loves you, no matter who you are or what you have done. He knew you millennia before you were born, what life issues you would struggle with, what interests and preferences you would have, what good and wonderful things you would do, in addition to how you would unfortunately contribute to the evil in the world, as all humans sadly do.
You matter to Him. You may feel insignificant and abandoned by everyone in your life, but you-yes, you!-matter to the King of the universe.
Again, I don't want to push my beliefs on anyone, and you can take or leave as much from this as you'd like. But I just want you to know that there is a reason for every hurt you are going through, and that one day, there will be no more tears.
Dear God, I pray for all the people who are in pain (which is to say, the entire world). I pray that You would gather them in your arms and let them know Your comfort. I pray especially for those who have been told that they are not fit for a relationship with You, that You would prove to them, in Your infinite love, how very wrong that is! Finally, I pray that you would help us to keep up hope. Keep us going. And protect us until that day when everything will be alright. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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