A Journey of Self-Discovery

I'm starting to realize why I am not anywhere near where I want to be in my life. Why I am dissatisfied, unhappy, failing in many areas...it's not because I am simply a worthless person. It is because I believe, on a very deep level, that I am a worthless person.

My boss has told me that I am not confident enough. He told me that that is the reason why he is thinking of letting me go (by the way, I still am employed as of today :-) )

I have a crush on someone amazing, and it feels incredible because I haven't really developed strong feelings for anyone in years. But I mean nothing to them, and for a month, I've been trying to understand why. I think I've figured it out. It's my lack of confidence. They don't want to be with someone they have to take care of and constantly reassure. They want what everyone wants-to be with someone who is strong, capable, and independent.

Well, it turns out that I am strong and capable. I just don't know it. But I have to have been strong to have gotten through everything that I've been through with my illness and persevered.

An issue related to my insecurity is my indecision. I am constantly changing my mind about my career path. Granted, it is almost always between the same three options (psychiatry, psychology, and writing). But still, I have been paralyzed since I left college by this indecision. I have spent an awful lot of money pursuing paths that I later decided were not for me, including $55,000.00 on a masters degree that was supposed to prepare me for med school.

I think that if I figured out who I am and grew to like that person, I would be able to choose a career path once and for all. I might even get to a point where I am satisfied with literally any career path.

So, here is my plan. For one month, from today, Dec. 17th, 2015, until January 17th, 2016, I am going to suspend my constant attempts to discover what I want to do with my life long term. Instead, I am going to spend a month discovering myself and growing my self-esteem.

Here is the plan I wrote for myself:

-figure out who I am. 

   >journal about questions of identity

   >exercise and meditate upon my identity

   

-grow more confident

 > one positive affirmation/day

>list three things I like about myself/day

-Spiritual growth:

   >pray when I wake up, when I go to bed, and when I arrive at work, as well as on a PRN basis

   >meditate

I will update the blog everyday with updates on my journey and the things I've discovered/learned. 

Thanks for listening, dear phoenixes. Thanks for being on my side.

<3 Minerva